In theory, a car is just an expensive pile of metal created to get you from point A to point B. In actuality, your ride can get you places even when parked, if you catch our drift. But though it’s often glamorized, having s*x in a car sucks, and here’s why…
It’s never your first choice
You’re having s*x in a car, not a bed, because either your nosy roommates (read: parents) are home, or you just don’t want this chick to know where you actually live. People only hook up in their vehicles because the alternative is even worse.
There’s not enough space
The paradox is that the cooler the car is to women, the more likely it is to be tiny. You can barely high-five your passenger inside an uber-sleek sports car, much less get down ‘n’ dirty. Unless you have a gas-guzzling SUV or a truck with a nice big bed, coitus in a car is just gonna result in pulled muscles the next day.
No positions work
Expanding on the aforementioned, what position are you going to unleash? Missionary and you’re both slipping off the backseat. For woman-on-top, you’d have to open the sunroof just to create enough space for her head. This requires a position not listed in the standard Kama Sutra: Reclined Seat With Feet In Glove Box.
Temperature control
Your birthday suit is only separated from the elements by a super-thin windshield. If it’s too cold outside, you’re forced to turn on the heat and your car becomes a s*x sauna. Too hot outside and you’ll have to blast the AC, which means cool freon is blowing up your ass…though, admittedly, that kinda feels good.
Uncomfortable upholstery
Car seats are designed for maximum comfort while pumping the pedals, not while pumping a partner. Squishy cloth seats will exacerbate your sweating, and if you’re fancy enough to afford real Corinthian leather, you’ll be in for several minutes of squeaking before several weeks of raw chafing are to follow.
Getting caught
The fun of hooking up in a car is always overshadowed by the potential for trouble. Even if it’s dark out, cars are constantly driving by, shining their high beams ontoherhigh beams…and some of them belong to police. Your car might be private property, but s*x in it is public nud!ty.
Cleaning up the mess
Unlike your bed, where you can just wrap the nasty sheets in a ball, toss them in the hamper and then get some new ones from the cabinet, a car’s surfaces are staying put. Better if you have a dark interior, but there’s no trashcan for that used, uh, piece of protection. You and your “date” might as well swing by the car wash for a little interior detailing afterward. Tip well.
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